Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize