i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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