I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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