He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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