He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
