Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
