Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
