You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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