Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Alive.
So much puke
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
