I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
