Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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