so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
