I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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