Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
