NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
