I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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