She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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