I haven't been this sober since birth.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize