I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
