True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
