May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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