you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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