Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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