My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
