Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
