I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
