her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You pole danced in your parka.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
