i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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