so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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