I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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