Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
