# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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