He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Randomize
