omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
