someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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