On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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