She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
