I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
