Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
