You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
