My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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