Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
