Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I smell stomach acid.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
