I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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