You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
