Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
A+ Viking dick
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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