I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize