did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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