Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize