highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
