I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
