I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
