The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
