his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
