I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
