I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
