i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
high people should be assigned attendants
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
