He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
