you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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