if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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