i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
