look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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