Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
