It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
