wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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