quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
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