dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
