I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
