does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So vagazzling was a success
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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